Afraid
Afraid to take a step.
Afraid to say a word.
Afraid to trust myself.
Afraid of the unknown.
Afraid of all that I am not.
Afraid of all that I am.
Afraid of making mistakes.
Afraid of what others think of me.
Afraid of what I need.
Afraid to ask for help.
Afraid to have someone help me.
Afraid of all the physiological, physical, and emotional traumas.
Afraid of never feeling okay.
Afraid that this is as good as it will ever be.
Afraid that my words will fall short
Afraid of hurting others
Afraid of stepping out in faith.
Afraid of never becoming something I can be proud of.
Afraid of never measuring up.
Afraid.
Afraid I’m in too deep.
Afraid I’m not deep enough.
All these fears swirl can constantly in an ever-present tornado of insurmountable dread. All the while I cry out…
“Lord, what the f*ck am I supposed to do? Every area seems to be crumbling around me and I have no idea what’s the next right choice.”
I wish I could say that God immediately replied each time I made this plea. I wish I could tell you that he calmed every fear, every second guess, by speaking to my heart the words I needed to hear.
What are we supposed to do when God isn’t giving us answers that our hearts can understand?
What am I supposed to do when I feel a decision must be made but the Lord isn’t giving direction in a timely manner my soul longs for?
I know the answer is to be still. Still my physical body and listen, but there is fear and overwhelm in that action that every single thought that has raced through my head will peak and make me feel sick.
Sometimes the scariest thing is to be still. To stop, listen, seek peace and understanding, and just wait on the lord.
While the lord didn’t answer me in the way I wanted he gave me these:
Peace like a river attendeth my way (Isaiah 66:12)
Be still (Psalm 46:10)
“Trust me and let me move” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
“I am with you” (Deut. 31:6)
“I am making all things new” (Isaiah 43:19)
“Watch me renew” (Romans 12:2)
“I will be with you to the very ends of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)
I’m not alone. Is that the answer I want? Is that the answer I feel I need? No. But I’m not alone, he’s here with me. He’s here is the fear. He is working, moving, standing, all the while.
I’m waiting on his timing. I’m holding fast to the truths of who he is. I’m holding. I’m learning to trust more.
I wish this was easier. But I know his Grace and love are sufficient of all my shortcomings.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
I’m waiting. I’m trusting.
I hope that if you’re feeling afraid, you know that you aren’t alone. You have never been isolated, because the human condition is universal… we all are a little afraid in one way or another.
Reach out if you need prayer, support, or an encouragement. And don’t forget that even in the midst of your paint and fear, God can use it to help someone else, so reach out to those that matter to you in your life. Make sure they don’t feel alone.
Cheers
